but Splenda and I split ways when she went home this summer.
The summer was rough. It was like we could not find our sync. I don’t know if it was me expecting to much, or her giving too much of herself away. I felt jealous and bitter at times, other times I was just down right tired and as much as I love her and wanted to be with her, I could not bring myself to go OUT and do things. Our schedules never lined up. We always were 10 minutes too late for one another. She got to spend the night with me one night, and it was sweet, and we cuddled , and fell asleep.
I was sad about the break up at first. I will forever love her more than anything. She will forever be my soulmate, but I am not sad anymore. I think we expected too much from each other sometimes, and other times we did not depend on each other enough. When we needed someone we found comfort in other places. When we needed each other we were both too busy. It was unfair for both of us. We were both shitty girlfriends this summer. Why? I have no clue. I love her. I never wanted to hurt her or make her feel less than important. I never wanted her to feel like she was a chore.
It was hard to listen to her speak so calmly, so lovingly about Equal. To hear her speak about plans with him, about hearing from him, about him coming home, about them not being here for Christmas, about a family I was no longer apart of.
Is that what did it? We were no longer a trifecta. and this relationship needed three sides to stand?
No matter the case, I don’t lay blame, and if I did you can put it all on me, because I love her. She is perfect and she will forever be my best friend.
Now to move on, and figure out how polyamory works for me, when it’s not with them.
Sometimes life is bitter sweet
Share these great excerpts from the #6thCircuit marriage rulings!
I’ve been waiting for months, waiting for years, waiting for you to change.
Aw, but there ain’t much that’s dumber, there ain’t much that’s dumber
than pinning your hopes on a change in another.
And I, yeah I still need you, but what good’s that gonna do?
Needing is one thing, and getting gettings another.
I slept restless last night. I woke up frequently in cold sweats and sick to my stomach.
I get a call at 8am from Equal. I tried to answer but in my sleepy daze I accidently swiped decline, but was unable to call him back. I am sure this phone call was an accidental one bit it still put him on my mind.
As I fall asleep I dream of him. He’s lying in bed next to me, shirt less. His ribs and face are bruised and red like he’s been hurt. I am asking him what’s wrong, what happened? He’s pushing his hand on my face and telling me to shush.
Dreams are cruel sometimes. The emotions they bring up, the scares they reopen.
I miss him. I hope he’s well.
Now this is no real big secret, I am not an out doorsy person..at all.. I am also sort of terrified of natural bodies of water due to something horrible that happened my teen years. Well Splenda is leaving this week, and yesterday was the only time I really had to spend with her again before she left. We went paddle boarding. That’s where you go in the river on a long surf board with a paddle and just go into the elements.
I was over zealous at first. I got on my knees by myself ,took too much vitamins, got too excited, sat down easily, the girls beside me pumping me up, and fell in the water as soon as I tried to stand up. It was really hard to get back on my board. I have zero upper body strength. It was near impossible to get back on it.
I was discouraged a bit. Then it was slow , steady and fun! I really enjoyed myself and the time with Splenda. Getting out of your comfort zone is hard, but life is sweet.
Aka River Goddess.
Everything you love is here